Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
