so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
