The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
What a dumb baby whore.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
