Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Oh god it's open bar.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
