So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
