I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
this will be a night to untag.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
