It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
