Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
