glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
