dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
of course. lets lasso hookers.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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