Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
