the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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