you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
