I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
