my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
