First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
