I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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