We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
