He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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