It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
