So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
