Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
