this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
