I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
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