I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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