Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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