Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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