Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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