so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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