He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
