Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
