That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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