He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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