Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
