Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
