So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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