Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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