I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
