im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
