you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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