I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
