The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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