I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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