I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
