I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
