There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
