they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
