I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
