Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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