It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
